Do you ever wonder "What's wrong with me?", I do.

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 04:00:00 -0400

I seem to question myself everyday. I used to blame men for the reason why we stopped dating. “He wasn’t mature enough for me”, “He was always a player”, “Whatever he’s fat”. I always found reasons to try to make myself feel better about a so called break-up, when in the end I always went back and blamed myself. It’s to the point where I must ask, If its not him, is it me? I must admit, after every time dating someone doesn’t work out, my self esteem drops. Trust me, I have dated a lot of guys, so my self esteem is not at its tip top shape. I always think that maybe, just maybe this time it will work out. I am a sucker for love and it has always been my downfall. I either run away when he wants to be with me or run away when he “doesn’t want a relationship”. I think the biggest stab in the heart is when he goes for the best friend. Why do I say this? I say this because it happened in high school with my boyfriend of 4 years and my best friend 7-8 years. That resulted in him cheating on me and a long, must I say long, and messy breakup. The second time happened today actually. He didn’t want a relationship and claimed not to be a “player” but didn’t want to hurt me, so I ended it with a clean break before I fell too hard for him and we couldn’t be friends. Boy, was I wrong. It hurt everyday. I even took a day off of work to stay home, be a girl, and cry. But the thing that happened today was one for the books with me. Oh, one more thing, we stopped “dating” less than a month ago so it is fresh enough for it to bother me, maybe even make me tear up. He texted my best friend to hang out, just them, because he “would like that”. He was sad she left the bar the night he ran into her and he wanted to see her the next day. My reaction was shock. The man i spent nights with, telling me I am beautiful, kissed every inch of me, the man I fell for didn’t want me, but my best friend. The thing is that we are both Filipino, like his ex gf of 4 years. I think when he said he didn’t want a relationship, I think he meant that he didn’t want a relationship with me. Just me. I probably wasn’t pretty enough. Probably too nice. Maybe even boring. He could have hit on anyone else, but he had to pick my best friend. My self esteem is broken. I know now that I’m the problem. I always am. I give too much because I love so hard. I am sick of giving my feelings away for nothing in return. So where does that leave me? Second best, maybe even less. Whats wrong with me ? Everything. So thanks for clearing that up, babe.

Love, Jane

Do you ever wonder "What's wrong with me?", I do.